let me count the ways

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,” is the beginning line of one of the most recognizable love poems from the so-called “Romantic Movement.” Published in 1850 as part of the collection Sonnets from the Portuguese,  Elizabeth Barrett Browning secretly wrote and dedicated this to her husband, Robert Wideman Browning, before their marriage.  >http://www.poets.org/poet.php/prmPID/152<  With Valentine’s Day coming Monday, I wanted to share an observation that her work brings to my mind.

If you read the entire verse, you will discover that it is indeed about “how” she loves him and not “why?” In fact, she gives no reason at all! Instead, she speaks with pure affection that comes from the heart, that isn’t tied to any particular set of expectations, that is, in fact, unconditional. But then, they were only dating at the time and given the era had in all probability never lived together!

When I talk to troubled couples on the verge of separation, much of their conversation is about what they no longer like about the other person. It’s about changes that have occurred over time in their now somewhat less than perfect mate. Often the complaints voiced are quite legitimate and maybe even irreconcilable. My point is, however, that the focus of their relationship seems to have changed from “how I love” to “reasons why I no longer find this person lovable.” In other words, the complaints are about unmet conditions.

We know that Elizabeth and Robert married, had a son, and each continued to write for quite some time. We are also certain that their love for each other changed because it always does. What we don’t know is whether it continued to mature without conditions. That’s the difficult part, isn’t it? We may not be able to write as Elizabeth Barrett Browning, but most of us begin an adult relationship in much the same way.  At first, we love unconditionally because we see no faults.  The challenge of modern marriages is not staying together forever. Anyone can do that. The real challenge is to love unconditionally, one day at a time, and then to continue for as long as forever takes.

So, here's wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day from the staff of Tanner EAP.  If you think we can help as you struggle with the difficult parts, please give us a call.  770.834.8327.