Divorce: Finding Support and Adjusting to Changes

The end of a marriage is one of the most stressful events a person can experience.  Divorce often involves a range of painful and difficult emotions, including grief, guilt, anger, confusion, fear, shame, and anxiety. If children are involved, the stress level for each parent may be even higher. People sometimes seek therapy to help them decide whether to stay in a marriage or end it. Others may seek support for the transition from marriage to being single again. Both of these goals can be addressed in individual therapy, couple’s counseling, or group work.

Many of us perceive divorce as a personal failure, and it can be challenging to de-personalize the blame for a relationship that doesn’t work out.  Therapy provides a safe space for working through these feelings, making sense of the end of a marriage, and obtaining a new and positive perspective.  Although divorce can feel exhausting and debilitating, it also provides an invaluable opportunity for personal growth and self-understanding.  The work we do in therapy during and after a divorce may help us learn how to make better decisions and create healthier relationships in the future.  At the very least, a therapist can help us address pressing issues that are part of a divorce process, including:

·        healthy communication during conflict

·        new relational boundaries with an ex-spouse

·        adjusting to new living arrangements

·        clarifying financial obligations

·        establishing parenting responsibilities

·        supporting our children during their emotional response to the divorce

Recovering from a divorce takes time and requires emotional support from significant others.  Some of us need help finding or learning how to ask for this kind of support.  Figuring out the best way to navigate relationships with family and friends can be challenging.  It may be helpful to find others involved in a similar process or talk to loved ones who’ve been through a divorce previously.  Too often parents talk about negative feelings toward their ex-spouse with their children; this places the children in a very difficult position.  Therapy is a much better place to work through our hurt and frustration.  Therapy is also potentially helpful for discovering new coping techniques, strengthening our support network, developing a healthy and constructive perspective, and taking care of ourselves as we adjust to change and prepare for what lies ahead.  The outcome of a divorce process greatly depends on the effort we invest in understanding ourselves, taking responsibility for our part, and working to create a better future.

*Currently, Tanner EAP is offering a Divorce Support Group for Tanner employees.  If you have interest in joining the group, please contact Betsy at Tanner EAP

Do the 12-step

No, it’s not a new dance – it’s a program that was developed 70 years ago that has helped millions of people recover from addictions of every variety and is now being applied to all kinds of stressors. Whether you have a substance abuse issue (Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Nicotine Anonymous, et al), a behavioral issue (Overeaters Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous, et al), emotional issues (Emotions Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholics, et al), or relationship issues (Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Codependents Anonymous, et al) there are 12-step groups and materials that can help you to cope in healthier ways and to take better care of yourself. There is even a group called “12 Steps for Everyone” because this program has proved to improve people’s lives even if they don’t have a “problem”.

While it is not a religious program the 12-Step program does emphasize spiritual growth by encouraging the asking for help from a “Higher Power”, whatever that may mean to you. These 12 suggestions (not rules) are:

1. We admitted our lives were out of control

2. Accepted that a Higher Power could help us

3. Got out of the way to let it happen

4. Took a hard, honest look at our lives

5. Told someone the truth

6. Got ready to change

7. Humbly asked a Higher Power to help us change

8. Remembered all the people we hurt

9. Made it right with them whenever we could

10. Continued to stay honest

11. Put our Higher Power in charge every day

12. Tried to live our values and help others

(copyrights Hazelden Information & Educational Services)

Attending a support group can help in many ways. Meeting with other people that are dealing with similar situations helps us to not feel so alone. Sharing with each other allows us to learn from other’s successes and mistakes and helps us to get the good feeling that results from helping others.

If you would like to get more information on 12-step programs or local support groups, or if you just want a confidential place to tell your truth (step #5) and bounce some ideas around, call us at 770-834-8327 or email us at http://www.tanner.org/Main/ContactTannerEAP.aspx
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millennial stress

The March 6, 2013, edition of the Employee Benefit Advisor, relates rather interesting information about our youngest of the American workforce. Millennials, young adults born between 1980 and 2000, make up about one-third of today’s U.S. workforce. Called everything from ‘innovative’ to ‘entitled,’ a recent Stress in America study from the American Psychological Association has a different label for them: Stressed.

According to this survey, stress levels decreased across the board in 2012 except for those between the ages of 18 and 33. On the survey’s 10-point scale, where a 10 indicates ‘a great deal of stress,’ the average stress level of all Americans was 4.9. For Millennials, it was 5.4. Millennials reported their top stressors as work (cited by 76%), money (73%) and relationships (59%).

CuraLinc Healthcare, in their book of business EAP utilization data for 2012. seems to offer further validation:

 Millennials do have job stress. Despite only representing 29% of all EAP users, those between 18 and 33 years old constituted almost half (48%) of EAP cases where the primary presenting concern was ‘Job Stress’.

 Millennials are resolution-focused. Case resolution within the EAP was higher with Millennial employees (95%) than it was among all other age groups (87%).

 Millennials have personal financial concerns. Two in five cases (41%) involving financial consultation through the EAP were provided to Millennials, even though those between 18 and 33 years old made up only 29% of EAP users.

An employee assistance program (EAP)--through short-term counseling and work-life benefits--can have a positive impact on such stressors. The opportunity to discuss, in a confidential setting, ways to minimize stress and to develop personal resiliency, can help build coping skills that the Millennial can apply to work and to their personal and family life. If you, or your other favorite Millennial would like to take advantage of the assistance available, call Tanner EAP at 770.834.8327. Assistance is confidential and free.

The Importance of Social Support and Spirituality

Research related to posttraumatic growth names (a) social support and (b) spirituality/meaning as the two most important factors supporting resiliency during times of stress and trauma.  Social support involves cultivating a network of trusted relationships in which we can disclose our most intimate struggles and feel supported and understood.  Spirituality/meaning helps us maintain a larger life perspective and preserve a sense of purpose when our values and trust have been damaged or even destroyed.  According to concentration camp survivor Viktor Frankl: “Those who have a ‘why’ to live can bear with almost any how” (Man’s Search for Meaning, 1946).

Realizing the importance of social support and spirituality/meaning, how do we strengthen these two dimensions of our lives?  What can we do while life is relatively peaceful to prepare for the challenges that may lie ahead?  How do we stay healthy and buoyant when life becomes difficult?

Maintaining relationships with family, friends, and significant others takes time and involves showing up for social occasions.  Regular contact is important for helping some of us to feel connected; for others, occasional, in-depth conversations or shared experiences are enough to affirm the bond.  Even when we feel strong and self-sufficient, it’s a good idea to stay in touch with the ones who personally matter, both for our sake and for theirs.  Carving out time in our busy lives to enjoy the presence of those we love and depend on makes all the difference.  Social events can also be enjoyable!

Developing our sense of spirituality/meaning happens in a variety of ways, including:

·         being part of a community with shared values,

·         participating in religious services and activities,

·         pursuing spiritual practices and disciplines that strengthen our sense of spiritual identity,

·         reading, reflection, and education,

·         engaging in thoughtful conversations with like-minded others, and

·         learning through personal growth. 

Attending to spiritual and existential questions and needs requires active commitment, but when life threatens our sense of integrity, safety, trust, or well-being, our sense of meaning may help to keep us intact.  It may take years to develop a steady sense of faith, hope, and love, but the effort is well worth it during times when life falls apart.  Rather than waiting for the storm to come to figure out how to survive it, we fare better in the end by investing all along in social support and spirituality/meaning.  Taking care of ourselves will help us take care of others also and inevitably make the world a better place to live. 

health psychology

Did anyone set any goals to improve or maintain their health this year?

In addition to eating healthier, exercising, and getting medical care when needed, an often overlooked tool in the quest for health is counseling. In the field of health psychology numerous studies have shown that people with many illnesses and conditions survive and thrive better when they participate in counseling in addition to getting medical advice and treatment. Many physicians recommend to their patients that they attend counseling.

The list of maladies that have been shown to be improved and/or better coped with by participating in counseling includes:

• Insomnia
• Hypertension
• GERD
• Multiple sclerosis
• Cancer
• Anxiety disorders
• Depression
• Obesity
• Heart disease
• Addictive disorders (including tobacco use)
• Diabetes
• AIDS
• Chronic pain (including arthritis)
• Asthma
• Headaches
and many more.

Having an illness or limiting condition can be very stressful and can affect work and relationships. Learning to deal with stress more effectively can enhance one’s immune system and make it less likely to get sick in the first place. Many people reading this article (and their families) have available a totally free and confidential resource to get counseling. Consider calling your friendly neighborhood Employee Assistance Program to help get on and/or stay on the track to better health.

770.834.8327 Call Us. We Can Help.