the right track

Tips for Parenting a Teenager

            The teen years involve an intensive period of physical, intellectual, and emotional growth that can be challenging for both teenagers and their parents.  Understandably, these years often involve confusion, conflict, and change for many families.  It can be tough for parents to successfully navigate their child’s development, though the decisions made during this time have lasting and significant impact.

Adolescence may begin for your child with dramatic behavioral changes, including an emphasis on independence and separation from the views and values of one or both parents.  Teenagers are strikingly aware of how they are perceived by others.  They tend to seek social inclusion, and their peers’ perceptions strongly influence their decision-making.  The approval of peers may matter much more than the approval of their parents.

Teenagers may experiment with their appearance and values, trying on different looks and identities in their attempt to figure out who they are.  Individuating from parents constitutes a developmental milestone, and it’s important to remember this.  While parents actively try and maintain a secure attachment to their teenage child, the burden is on the teenager to successfully achieve independence.

Here are some proactive steps you can take to help successfully parent your teenager:

1. Talk to your child about puberty.

Address the physical and emotional changes they can expect BEFORE those changes happen.  Talking about menstruation, wet dreams, changing emotions, and sexual activity early on is an important part of preparing your teen for the challenges ahead. Ask questions about their experience, offer helpful books and online resources, and perhaps share your own feelings during puberty to help provide support and understanding.

2. Pick your battles.

Your teenager may do shocking things to rebel against your control and influence.  Save your energy for the objections that matter, like smoking, drugs and alcohol, sexual safety, and/or permanent changes to their appearance.  Respect your child’s sense of privacy in relation to his/her room, texts, emails, and phone calls.  Trust your child until that trust is broken, and if/when it is, explain how trust is rebuilt. Be clear about your expectations for academic performance, acceptable behavior, and rules of the house, as well as the consequences for disobedience. 

3. Stay informed about your teen’s environment.

The teen years are a time of experimentation, and sometimes that experimentation includes risky behaviors. Discussing uncomfortable subjects like sex, drugs, and alcohol before your child is exposed increases the chances that s/he will act responsibly.  Share your family values and your support for the difficulty of making good decisions.  Know your child’s friends and their friends’ parents.  Regular communication between parents can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for all teens in a peer group. Parents can help each other keep track of kids' activities without making the kids feel that they're being watched.

4. Monitor exposure to TV, internet, and social media.

Stay aware of what your children are exposed to online and on television.  Don’t be afraid to set limits on the amount of time they spend involved in these activities, and make sure their time for sleep at night is protected.  Locate the television and computer in shared spaces so that you have a better chance of staying informed. If your child has a smartphone and you have reasons for being concerned about where they go or who they talk to online, software is now available for tracking your child’s movement and smartphone activities.  Don’t be afraid to take these additional steps in order to keep your child protected.

5. Know the warning signs.

A certain amount of change is normal during the teen years, but extreme changes in personality or behavior may be a sign of real trouble.  Warning signs that your child may need professional help include:

·        extreme weight gain or loss

·        sleep problems

·        drastic changes in personality

·        sudden change in friends

·        failing grades

·        repeatedly skipping school

·        talk about suicide

·        signs of tobacco, alcohol, or drug use

·        legal problems

If you notice these or other drastic changes in your child, consult your EAP for support and additional resources.  Remember the African proverb that it takes a village to raise a child!

            As challenging as the teenage years may be for you and your family, strive to stay hopeful and positive. This period of time may be very difficult for everyone involved, but it’s also deeply rewarding and your parenting efforts will eventually pay off.  Gradually, your teenager will evolve toward a more independent, responsible, and communicative young adult.  Part of your job as parent is to keep the longer-term perspective in sight and remind your family that you’ll get through this together!