the difference between giving up and letting go
Loving someone who is abusing alcohol or other drugs can be exasperating. Just when you think things are getting better, it becomes apparent that they aren’t. Many of us feel responsible for the addicts in our life, as if we should be able to make it better for them. The fact is, however, another person’s behavior is their responsibility, not ours, just as our own behavior is our responsibility.
The Serenity Prayer clarifies the importance and difficulty of letting go of others’ behaviors. In it we ask for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. The Serenity Prayer invites us to let go. In letting go we gain the serenity and courage to put the emphasis on change where it needs to be: on ourselves
Letting go means allowing the addict to suffer the consequences for her/his own actions, instead of intervening on her/his behalf. It does not mean being harsh; it does not mean not caring. The following letter helps to describe the manipulation and behaviors that are common to addicts:
My name is Jon. I’m an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn’t be using if I loved myself, and since I don’t, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn’t faze me that I hurt you, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again, and again, and again.
Stop being surprised.
Addicts do not like for the significant people in their lives to talk to each other. They don’t want those whom they manipulate to compare stories. They like to elicit empathy, sympathy, and/or guilt so that people will come through for them. Often this involves telling lies aimed at keeping people at odds with one another. This tactic provides the addict with more control.
Ala-Non meetings for family members of addicts/alcoholics really can help. There is no cost to join and though the first step to enter the room may be difficult, you will soon feel welcome. It is an excellent resource for learning how to set appropriate boundaries with your addict. Who is at the meeting and what is shared is expected to remain confidential.
Area Ala-Non meetings: Mondays, 8pm basement of Fullerville Baptist Church in Villa Rica
Mondays, 8pm Mt Zion United Methodist Church, Mt Zion
Tuesdays, 12noon Carrollton Presbyterian Church
Your very own Tanner EAP is another resource for sharing and sorting out feelings in a confidential setting. To make an appointment, just dial extension 8562.
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